Ep. 33 with Denise Anderson, Author of Divorce in a Small Town

Barb McGrath 0:02
You are listening to a CJ tr podcast.

Welcome to The Secret Life of entrepreneurs on 91.3 FM CJ tr, Regina community radio. Stay tuned to meet today’s guest and hear their story of what makes them tick. What drives them to succeed and their role in growing a thriving business community. The Secret Life of entrepreneurs chronicles the success and secrets of locally owned businesses and owners listening live as we discuss their secrets and learn how they are making a positive impact in their community. You’re listening to your host, Barb McGrath, business leader, entrepreneur, and founder of the get found on Google program. Let’s get started. Happy Wednesday out there folks, super pleased to be here, this beautiful sunny Wednesday morning. My guest today is going to talk about something that I think is particularly interesting to a lot of folks. So you know, she and I just finished having a conversation. And we’re talking about everything from small town drama, small p politics, but small circles of influence and how that really impacts all of us, and how we choose to live our lives. And you know, just to get on my soapbox for a minute, I have to say that I feel like I live in a small town today. The Regina City School Board of the Regina public school board made a decision yesterday that impacts hundreds of students across Medina. And I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that they made a decision. Based on leadership. It is my opinion. But I don’t believe that they they took a leadership position here. So that’s the small town that I feel like we live in today. But let’s get back to the show. So before I introduce our guests, I just want to make sure that everyone stays tuned in right until the very end of our show. She’s got a super special gift for everyone out there who’s listening. So tune in, learn all about our guest today and you will get a free something. So stay tuned. Alright, without further ado, I would like to welcome our guest today. Our guest is Denise Anderson. She’s an author, a coach, a leader in the business community and, and a supporter like so priem supporter she believes anyone who sets their mind out to do something can accomplish it. She’s such a cheerleader. And she’s here to talk about her new book today. So I’m not going to spoil anything else. Welcome, Denise, tell us a little bit about yourself and your new book.

Denise Anderson 2:58
Hi, Barb, thank you so much for that great introduction. I’m happy to tell you about my new book. So the book that I wrote is called Small Town divorce, a roadmap through devastation, despair, and trauma. So as you can imagine going through, well, really anything in a small town dynamic can add a lot of resistance. And so you’re not just going through the actual event, you’ve got a lot of stuff coming at you from other people, right? judgments, opinions, criticism, of course, their own thoughts, their own beliefs about it. So I just felt it was really important, not like just to tell my own story about what I went through, knowing that a lot of people would be able to relate to that same dynamic.

Barb McGrath 3:45
Absolutely, I bet. So in the book, Where’s it at right now? Can I walk into chapters and buy it?

Denise Anderson 3:51
Not today? Not today. When can I you will be able to do that that’s coming out about the summer? July 2020 2020.

Yeah, okay. So yeah, quite a year away, not quite a year away. It’s actually been a really quick process. That’s what I was just gonna ask, it was a quick process to write a book like it was and what happened was, so my father was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. And as his disease was progressing, and he was deteriorating, I actually made a decision to move in with my parents to take care of help take care of my dad. So it was such a blessing because I had so many opportunities to have conversations with him about his life, what he learned what he regrets, you know, and one of the questions I asked him was, is there something in life you wish you had done that you didn’t? Okay? And his answer was, I’ve always wanted to write a book. And as soon as he said that, it started something inside of me because I too, have always wanted to write a book. Okay. I don’t know exactly what it was gonna be. Yep. But I knew what so I made a promise to my dad that I would ride but that’s where this all started. That’s where it’s all headed.

But literally from that moment of saying that there was a story sequence of events that happened that led me to the company that I ended up writing the book with. And within a matter of weeks, I started writing the book. Wow, a matter of weeks, a matter of weeks, I actually stopped doing what I used to be a financial advisor. Okay. I actually stopped doing that I started writing the book and went full on into my coaching business within three weeks.

Barb McGrath 5:23
Wow. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So how, like, how did the story come? Like? Did it just pour out of you? You hear often from writers and authors that the story just pours out of you?

Denise Anderson 5:35
So to be completely honest, both Yes. And no, there were times where it did, right. And you’re kind of like, Where did that come from? And I never thought I was going to be saying that. And there was an absolute flow to it. But then To be honest, there were times where it’s like, oh, I don’t know, if I want to share that. It felt very, very, very personal.

It’s personal stuff, right. And you’re just sharing what you went through what you were feeling, how you were responding to the whole thing. And so those were times where I felt a little bit stuck. There wasn’t a flow there. But I felt the stuckness was just that unwillingness to be that vulnerable. I was gonna say it’s fear. It’s absolute fear, right? And if I look back on it, and and i still probably could have been even more honest. So the book really is as honest as I could be in that moment. And there’ll be another book I’m imagining?

Barb McGrath 6:29
Absolutely. Yeah. You know, I think vulnerability is an interesting thing, because I certainly didn’t grow up hearing about the importance of vulnerability. In fact, probably the opposite. You stuffed it down, you hit it, you didn’t talk about it, you swept it under the carpet, where now you know, be vulnerable, put yourself out there. And when I first started hearing that, I was working with an executive coach, and I remember kind of looking at her and thinking, What are you talking about? How do you do that? We mean, be vulnerable. Right? And another gentleman said to me, do you have a dog? And I was like, Yeah, I have a dog. He said, when you come home from work at the end of the day, and you walk over to your dog, what does the dog do? I said, we’ll roll over for a belly rub. He’s like, vulnerable, the dog has made himself completely vulnerable to you. He trusts you. Right? He’s saying, Yeah, mom’s home. Come rub my belly. Yeah, I’m like, Yeah, okay. But no, I don’t want to ask strangers to rub my belly.

Denise Anderson 7:28
So well. And you know, what’s coming to me is just saying this Barb is living in a small town is vulnerable in and of itself. Absolutely. Every single moment, right? Because everybody knows you. All your business gets out there, right? Wrong, good or bad. Whatever. It’s out there. You know, I started my first chapter off, I believe, the very first quote that I put in my book is living in a small town is like living in a glass house.

Yeah, so if that doesn’t speak to vulnerability, I don’t know what does.

Barb McGrath 8:01
Yeah. And you know, it’s a funny thing you referenced when you and I were talking earlier, so small town isn’t just a small community. It’s a group of coworkers, it’s a social group. Anytime you have that same group of people that you’re spending a quantity of time with, it becomes like a small town, especially when there’s something you don’t want others to know. Why is that? So? So if I have that secret, and I don’t want anybody to know how everybody ends up knowing anyway?

Denise Anderson 8:32
Yeah, well, great question. Great question. I have a great answer for me. Well, I don’t know if it’s a great answer. But here’s here’s my thought on it is part of it is we’re conditioned. It’s habitual conversation. Yes, it’s acceptable. It’s we’re programmed, we’re conditioned to just talk about other’s lives and what they’re doing. And it is also in my opinion, when I’m focused on your life,

I don’t have to but guess what, I don’t have to look over here. Yeah, my life what I’m doing and what’s going on for me. So it’s almost like a it’s like a medicine. It’s like a pill that people Chase. It’s a sedation, out of their own reality and their own life.

Barb McGrath 9:16
Yes. And I think when when you talk about someone else’s problems, meet your own, not quite seem so bad, exact rate and so on. Did you see or did you hear what’s happening? Like, it’s way more exciting than our life?

Denise Anderson 9:30
Exactly. And that’s why I want to use the word eyes. It’s a sedative isn’t it allows you to go to sleep. Yes. in your own life, when you have stuff that you’ve got going on. They don’t want to take a look at or that you don’t want to have to feel or face. Yes, absolutely. That really my book is about my journey and what I was, you know, again, it’s kind of like a curse and a blessing at the same time because in a small town, you can’t afford to not do that self reflection. I mean, then you do get lost. In all of the chatter and all of the judgments, right, and for a period of time, I certainly did. Yes. And it literally noxee knocked me down to the floor. And I absolutely couldn’t even function. I didn’t want to go down to the grocery store. I didn’t want to because people were talking, and you knew they were talking.

Right. Okay, people are talking. And again, whether they have that information, correct or not, it, that part doesn’t matter. Right? Yeah, that part doesn’t matter. It’s that they’re talking. And it’s not like the conversation is about trying to help the other person lift them up or get them through it. I use this as an example. It’s like, so when my father passed away, right, and then I also experienced a divorce. So two very dramatic, yeah, life changing events, like left, it’s just not going to be the same after this. Right? The the love the support, the outpour of care that I got when my father passed away was amazing. But also completely opposite of what I received. When I got into when I was going through a divorce. There wasn’t that curiosity of, of understanding, or it’s like, you know, what, I don’t need to know, it’s like, I don’t even need to know how your dad, how he passed away, or why he passed away. It’s just I just feel for you that you’re going through this. Exactly. divorce and other things like loss of a job, or maybe there’s been a crime or something’s happened. People want the nitty gritty, they want the detail, and they lose focus of what must your experience be like, what must you be going through? Mm hmm. You know, I just I really feel for your experience, right. So again, I believe it’s that conditioning of, we just want the nitty gritty, to take us away from our own.

Barb McGrath 11:43
You know, that’s a really good point. Because you’re right, if somebody passes away, and they’re 92 years old, there’s not a lot of question about what happened. But when someone passes away when they’re 23 Oh, what happened? And you know, we’re we’re looking to, we’re looking to make sense of it in our own mind. And with something like divorce, often what people are seeing is I don’t say typical marriage, it might seem happy, but a normal marriage, and then, oh, well, if that can happen to you, well, maybe it can happen to me. And oh, wait a second.

Denise Anderson 12:16
Absolutely. So then, you know, it makes you wonder the people that are talking is there also a fear inside of them, that this could happen. So if they can make one or the other out to be the bad person, the cheater, the liar, the, you know, disconnected one, the one that’s afraid of living and they just they want to see it in black and white, right? So that that’s going to make my life safe. That’ll make my relationship. Okay. Okay. It happened for them because of this, this and this. Yes. So now who it makes me okay over here, and I’m like, that’s an illusion. Like you’re living in an illusion. Yes. You’re falling asleep in your own relation, your own life and in your own life.

Barb McGrath 12:56
Yes, exactly. Okay, so tell me what this transition that happened quickly. It was three weeks you woke up, quit one job started a new one.

So tell me about the business. And, you know, besides writing a book, you know, how are you making all these pieces come together? Hmm.

Denise Anderson 13:13
So I’ve actually been a life coach for 12 years, I’ve been a certified life coach. So I’ve always done my coaching, but I’ve had something on the side. Right, right. So I’ve done it. I’ve always wanted this to just be my primary business. Okay. Okay. But again, there was some fear, can I really make a go of it? You know, can I be successful just as a coach. So as a financial advisor was a conflict of interest, so I was able to do both. So that is why I had to like, like, severed them, you had to make a choice and make a choice. Right. And I have had to make this choice many, many times in my life. Okay. And, you know, watching that process of my dad passing away, Kim reminded me of how fast time goes and how fast your life goes. I didn’t want to wait any longer. Yeah, it was actually really easy decision for me to make, and what I’ve incorporated with my coaching, so I do personal coaching, business coaching. And I also incorporate public speaking, as well and other programs that I’ve added to my business as well. So it’s almost like it’s, it’s a it’s its own entity. What I love about being an entrepreneur, is that I get to feel into the moment of what’s true and what are people needing where society at in this moment. It’s not like this. I’ve made a mark and this is what I do, and this is how it’s gonna be right. So you’re not just Denise the author. You’re Denise. Again, the cheerleader the supporter, right. I’ve never seen you in the year or so I think that we’ve known each other I’ve never seen a moment where you’re not like

Barb McGrath 14:49
Yes, go for it. You can do it. So when tool is going to do awesome, right? Like you’re just always go go go rah rah rah. Go, go go in a bad way. No,

Denise Anderson 14:58
I do know what you’re saying. And you That’s definitely my mindset is that anything is absolutely possible. And that, you know, for me to get there, it was a series of a lot of different things that I’ve done in my own life working with a spiritual guru, my own coaches, my own business coaches, that sort of thing, right? And it’s really all about that mindset, right? I’m always gonna say something.

Barb McGrath 15:19
Okay, well, let me ask you a question while you think on that line. So I’m speaker, what do you talk about?

Denise Anderson 15:26
You know, what, it depends on where I’m speaking, okay, right, because I can basically kind of tailor my, my, my talks to whatever is going on for the group of people that I’m addressing it all, you know, it stems from the book, but again, in the book, I cover a lot of different things. I cover vulnerability, I cover judgments and criticisms of other people. I cover changes going through changes in life, whether that’s death, divorce, a change of a job, that sort of thing. So it really does depend on the group and what they’re needing. So I want to serve them as well. So it’s not just I want to show up and just serve my interests is how can we work together? Right, so that I can get my message out there, but unformatted for the people that you are your company or your business or events is serving?

Barb McGrath 16:12
Awesome. So any speaking engagements coming here in Regina that any of our listeners could attend?

Denise Anderson 16:19
Yes, so so far right now, what I’ve got on the calendar are some speaking events in libraries. So I know next Wednesday, which I believe is the 23rd 23rd.

I will be in the Lumsden in the library in Lumsden. And then I believe my other speaking gigs are going to be after that in January. So I’ve got my city booked Grunfeld, Indian Head, contacted moose, Jocelyn, and kind of making my rounds.

Barb McGrath 16:43
Yeah, exactly. And, you know, when you’re starting a business, that’s what you need to do. You need to knock on as many doors as possible talk to as many people share your message. And that’s how you start to grow a business.

Denise Anderson 16:55
Exactly. And that’s me know what going through that experience in a small town has actually helped me to build the muscle of vulnerability. Oh, as well, right? Anything that we go through in life? Like I always look for the lesson, like, what did I learn? And I always ask two questions. What did I learn? And who did I become? You know, what did I become? Okay? So, you know, stronger, more independence, yes, able to handle criticism, you know, be be able to handle drama that I need, not just for my personal life, but afraid my business, but in your business like wellness, right? Because the more you’re putting yourself out there, the more you’re talking or exposing yourself in the public, you do open yourself up to that. Absolutely. That criticism, not everybody’s gonna like your message. Yes. Or your thought process or your own opinion, or what what you’re sharing or how you’re sharing it. Yeah, right, exactly. You’ve got to learn to manage that it’s crucial as an entrepreneur. Yep. And in your personal life, you’ve got to be able to manage to manage that. And some, one thing that I came up with is, how to manage that because people are always How do you manage it them? Right, so what’s a tip? And I would say this, be honest, brutally honest with yourself, okay? Whether that what that person has shared, actually bothers you or not. Because what I’m finding is they’re It’s the new agey thing to say, you know, what, I don’t I don’t care what people think, you know, the subtle art of not giving an F, you know, very popular book, so people Walker, I’m pretty sure I can’t swear. I’m trying really hard.

Barb McGrath 18:26
Anybody that knows J. Pierpont.

Denise Anderson 18:28
He’s gonna let it slip. I know she’s gonna swear, trying really hard not to. But it’s a new agey thing to say, like, I don’t give an F what they think, yeah, but you actually do?

Barb McGrath 18:37
Absolutely.

Denise Anderson 18:40
You’re running away from it. And you’re not actually facing that. So you’re not actually dealing with it. You’re not learning how to deal with criticism, you’re covering it up, you’re lifting up the rug, putting it under the rug and covering up

Barb McGrath 18:50
But don’t we all have these like hugely lumpy rugs at this point, where you try and even walk across the rug, and you’re tripping on something?

Denise Anderson 18:58
So funny, you know, it’s so funny that you say that, because somebody asked me one time, what do you do? And I described it like this. I said, I’m the carpet refer apart.

Barb McGrath 19:08
I rip up people’s carpets. I’m like, Hey, I saw that company went under the carpet.

Denise Anderson 19:14
You know, another way I like to describe it is like, let’s let’s just talk about the white elephant in the room in the room, because it is that lump in the carpet. And it is the elephant in the room. That is going to disconnect us. Yes. How can we connect? How can you connect with anybody? If you’re not addressing the things that are actually coming in between us? Exactly right. And vulnerability is that big thing? It’s like, let’s be vulnerable. Let’s just speak the truth. Let’s just be open, let’s be honest. And it’s it’s the thing that sets us free. And it’s the thing that scares us the most. Absolutely. The thing that scares you the most is usually is usually the thing that you need to most deal with. And right actly the conversations you don’t want to have with a friend

Barb McGrath 19:58
With a spouse with your kids. Don’t show the conversations that probably most need to be had hundred, but they’re uncomfortable and hard.

Denise Anderson 20:07
Yep. And no one wants to it’s 100%. And so that is what I do in my practice. That is what I help people work through. Right? You came up against this block. And it’s like, what what, you know, what’s going on? What’s, how do we get you on the other side of that wall? How do we get rid of those lumps? Because just covering them over just putting, you know, putting your head in the sand or shoving something under the carpet, right is not dealing with it. And I can promise

Barb McGrath 20:35
I don’t know, my carpet. Still got vacuum, it’s all gonna go away. But that doesn’t work either.

Denise Anderson 20:44
No, it doesn’t, especially the bodies under the carpet. Yeah, I think I can promise you, either you deal with it today, I will start dealing with it now. Or it’ll just come up next week, next month, next year, or even 10 years from now. And it’s like, overall, we said this, it’s like, we get that little hint from the universe. It’s like, first you just get a little pebble minutes a break. When it’s the whole brick wall, then it’s the house like, things just keep crumbling down. And that to me, is the universe saying, Hey, have I got your attention enough? Are you feeling this enough to finally say, Hmm, might be time to take a look at that and deal with it? And that’s honestly, the people that come to me, that’s, that’s the place that they’re at. It’s like, you have to be at a place where it’s like, you know, what, because and some people aren’t. And I totally respect that. If right there, there. Okay, just take a few more steps over that bumpy rug. Okay. And they’re managing. They’re managing to the degree that they feel like they’re managing it, right, because we got a lot of interesting coping skills.

Oh, don’t we that are not always conducive to living your greatest life?

Barb McGrath 21:45
Yes, absolutely. We can stuffed things down and hide them and bury them and find hiding spots and exactly avoid them.

Denise Anderson 21:53
And Oh, absolutely. Do I have a process? And it’s a gentle process, right? Because we are dealing with some really tender issue. Oh, exactly. really vulnerable spots. So it’s like I have a, I say it’s a gentle process. But that doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel stuff. Right. Right. Doesn’t mean that like, this is just a breeze. And it’s it’s no big deal. It is a big deal. But you’re getting your life back. You’re getting you back.

Barb McGrath 22:18
Yes. You’re in some cases, you’re finding yourself because we’ve had stuff buried in there since we were little kids, right? I mean, when we were kids, we were told Oh, don’t worry about it. Oh, it’s not a big deal. Right? If it’s a big deal to you, it’s a big deal.

Denise Anderson 22:31
Right? Right. So if you’ve stuffed it down there, here’s the thing. It’s got to come back up. Yeah. Right. And it’s just let’s just meet it, create it, say hello to it, name it, name it. Yeah, go to war with it. Exactly. The only thing that people do, right, they want to go to war, that they’re defending themselves, or they’re, they’re protecting themselves. So they’re attacking. So you’re either on the defense or you’re attacking. Either way, no matter if you hold up that shield or point out your your weapon.

Barb McGrath 22:58
You’re creating war, right? So you know, I find that the life coaching industry and interesting industry, because it’s something that has sprung up just in the last number of years. 20 years ago, 30 years ago, we had leadership coaches, we maybe had some executive coaches, but the concept of a life coach wasn’t something that I don’t think anyone had really heard of. And now there seems to be a significant number of life coaches. So what do you think has happened? So that we have more life coaches now? But, but why and where is this going? What What do you see from an industry standpoint, as awesome?

Denise Anderson 23:37
So I’ve had this question be asked in a number of ways. And one thing that I like to share is first and foremost, in any industry, in any line of business, any line of work, you’ve got your your great dentists, and ones that are not so great. Okay, you’ve got doctors that are really great. They got great bedside manners, and then others. Not so great. Yes, it’s the same in the coaching business. Right, right. You’ve got some coaches that are really great. They’re really making an impact and others that that aren’t. And so it’s like don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, just because you’ve maybe had a bad experience. Right. The other thing is, I’ve had people ask me, so as a life coach, does that mean like, you tell me how to live my life like you have some sort of secret formula? How to live my life? And it’s like, no, don’t let the title like life coach fool You got it. It’s not about I actually don’t give advice.

Barb McGrath 24:30
I, I hear it experience. It’s not about advice. It’s about shared experience.

Denise Anderson 24:36
Exactly. And it’s more like an excavation process where I help you find your own truth within yourself, right, which again, then building up the vulnerability to be able to share who you really are. Because right now, right, we’re mostly conditioned living from that what we’ve been told is right and wrong, good or bad and how we should or shouldn’t be

Barb McGrath 24:57
Absolutely right.

Denise Anderson 24:58
So what’s happening? And even why I feel the industry is growing is because there is a greater need out there there is a greater need for people to talk and work through that stuff. Okay? Because now it’s things are opening up more. So it’s like, oh, so I don’t have to like maybe I’m not heterosexual maybe I’m not happy in this marriage, maybe this line of work doesn’t work for me. Whereas before, it was like, yeah, just stick through it. I don’t care if you’re happy. This is the way it’s supposed to be. Yeah. And if you don’t, it means this. So people are breaking out of that paradigm. Absolutely. So I believe why the industry is growing is we’re going through a huge paradigm shift. Okay, so coaches are helping to lead that wave of a shift, you know, and transition,

Barb McGrath 25:42
That makes a lot of sense to me. Because if you think about even something like employment, people used to stay in the same job or the same employer for 30 and 35 years and not think twice about it. Now, if you can get somebody to stay for five or seven years, you’re doing awesome. Most people are changing jobs, 235 years down the road, there’s another opportunity, there’s a little bit more money. And from an employer standpoint, it’s difficult because the hiring process is expensive. But as humans, like we’re meant to evolve and change. And so I can’t imagine having been with the same employer for 35 years. Yeah, like, I can’t imagine it. Never mind folks, like you and I who have what I might call a micro business, like we would have been, you know, non existent 30 and 35 years ago,

Denise Anderson 26:34
Exactly. And that is what I love about the change in the industry is because it is allowing more people to do what they absolutely love to do. Like just before this interview, I was working with a client and she’s like, Oh, I don’t want to ruin your energy or whatever. I said know what I do enlivens me. So when you’re doing what you love to do? Yeah, I just feel great.

Barb McGrath 26:54
That is fantastic. Well, Denise, if you can believe it, we are out of time. Getting going I promised her it was gonna be the fastest half hour of her life. It’s what the beginning of the show today. I promised that for everyone tuned in that Denise had a very special offer. And so Denise, do you want to quickly explain it to everyone?

Denise Anderson 27:14
Yes. I want to be able to give all of your listeners today a free copy of my book, small town. Wow.

Barb McGrath 27:21
Yes. free coffee. a free copy. Okay, how do I get it?

Denise Anderson 27:24
Yeah, all they need to do is go to my website, www.deniseanderson.net. Kate, you want to spell that out? Yes. I d n. i s E. Anderson, a n d e r s o n.net?

Barb McGrath 27:47
Yes. And what do I do when I get to your site? It’s there’s just going to be a pop up. Just drop me your email address. Okay. And your name and I will ship? I’ll send you a book and electrical electronic copy.

Yes. Very cool. Now for anyone who is interested in still loves that touch and feel of a hardcopy book. You said July of 2020 in bookstores?

Denise Anderson 27:57
Yes. But I will actually have a hard copy of my book in hand in about four weeks. Oh, are you super excited? I am.

Barb McGrath 28:03
I have just a much like Christmas comes early.

Denise Anderson 28:06
It is and you know what I love about it. It’s like it started off as an idea in my head. And then when you see the physical manifestation of a dream, yes. Yeah. There’s no better feeling. Yeah. What I love to do with people as well is to take their dreams from their head into reality.

Barb McGrath 28:21
Very cool. Well, thank you so much, Denise. Wow, what a story. I cannot believe how quickly this half hour went. Literally, I’m counting the seconds here. So I’m going to be back on October 30, with Janci Templeman from Walker Wakefield, and she’s going to talk about some really exciting projects happening here in Regina, helping families find new life in new homes. If you’d like to be a guest on the show, you can email me at barb@googlegirl.ca or reach out reach out on Facebook and Instagram at Above the Fold Canada. Just a reminder, you can always ask questions in advance of the live show. I’m your host, Barb McGrath, local business owner and Google girl. Remember, you worked hard for your success. Don’t keep it a secret. Bye for now.